From now on my journal is friends only. I do not take kindly to spies, you will be shot on sight.

For those of you who would like to be added, just post a reply.


I go by many names, but I’ll write myself in third person as KJ. It works for me, how about you?

If you are interested, I have several filters. One for fanfiction, one for erotica/articles/reviews in relationship to the sex industry, and reviews in relationship to books/tv/movies/music/plays etc – if you are interested, let me know.

I took a nap earlyer - which I suppoaw looking back, was a mistake, as I can't sleep now - but I was just too tired. I had slept over at Matt's the night before, and it was just too hot - I didn't sleep well at all (more than just the heat was at fault, but I really don't want to get into that at the moment). Then the night before I hadn't slept well because that was my fist night back in Chicago, and then of couse the day before I had only slept two hours on the plane after a 42 hour period. So I was trying to catch up on my ZzZzZz's ... but now I'm just all out of ballance ... I was trying to eat some sugar to put me to sleep, but still not enough ... it's just making me slow ... not sleepy. Blah. What was I talking about? Maybe I should read ... I have some projects that I havn't touched in a while ... something. But I do need to get away from this computer.

* * *

Matt is GOOD to me. But just the same, he's not RIGHT for me.

And I'm not sure how that makes me feel.

Ugh! I'm such a looser! I can't find where I saved the web address for that site that allows you to make cartoon faces (where your can have cool hair, eyes, mouth). If anyone knows what I'm talking about, and has the link - I'd apprechiate it! Looking over all my saved places ... many of them are just worthless! Ugh! Can't find it on any of my accounts!

Gr.

Yay! My order came in from NorthernSun - fun stuff! I usually get shirts from them every two or three years ... this is what I got this time:

So, my grades thus far ... still waiting on my advanced fiction class ...

56-1831 01 Astronomy II: Exploring The Universe ~ A ~ 3.0
55-4322 01 Fantasy Writing Workshop ~ B+ ~ 4.0
22-1600 02 Garment Construction I ~ A ~ 3.0

I'm actually quite happy to get a B+ in the fantasy class - last semester I got just a B in her sci fi class ... she says that she only gives A-grades to students who REALLY blow her away and are ready to be published - so I'm quite pleased that I'm at a close point! It makes me feel good :)

And I just herd something at the door - I think I've got a package!

Tempature of 99.6 (F) and my only comfort is a frozen bag of mixed vegatables. I'm weak. But can't sleep. And feel like I have plugs in my ears.

My mother is coming up today (Friday) to pick my father up at the airport. And you know what she said to me on the phone last night - that I shouldn't be sick, beause they have been healthy and don't want to get sick from me. Thanks mom. I don't want to get sick from me either, but sometimes you just have no choice ... why is it that no one is truly helpful?

It hurts to swallow water. Not a good sign. My eyes hurt - and I'm just full of complaints. But I'm getting sick. And I don't have time for it.

Christine said I was beautiful.

Moving furnature. Throwing away bad food. Cleaning ... cleaning ... awlays cleaning.

Obsessed with cleaning my apartment every chance I get.

Finally I'm going shopping for food! I keep saying that I'm GOING to do it - now I'm actually going to follow through ^_^ Vera is going to keep me company, as she has to get things as well - yay - I have a friend.

So Matt says he loves me. But he says it all the time, where it no longer mean anything. And I mean ALL the time. I tickle him - ‘I love you.’ I make him dinner - ‘I love you.’ I get into the car - ‘I love you.’ I sit here typing or reading - ‘I love you.’ It’s really annoying, because I won’t say it back except for when it’s special - so he keeps doing it ... I don’t know what he expects. He says he loves me, and yet he can’t keep it up. Yes, you herd that right. As soon as it takes some effort on his part, he goes limp. Now, it’s alright if *I* perform on him - that’s all well and good. But as soon as it’s time for him to give back - it doesn’t happen. I’m left bored - and he falls asleep. You know - it really doesn’t make me feel that good about myself - when I’m treated like some sort of sex slave that gives him what he wants, when he wants - and yet I ‘m not good enough for him to perform anything on me. I feel so ugly. I feel like ... whenever he thinks about having to do something in return, it disgusts him, and therefore he goes limp. I feel like trash - used over and over again. I’m annoyed. I’m unsatisfied. And saying ‘I love you’ doesn’t make anything better! It’s just a word, that still doesn’t mean anything to me - especially now - when it’s just thrown around as an excuse!

He is a man-child. I fell like his mother. And while someday I might want to be a mother, I don’t want to be HIS mother. I clean up after him. I feed him. I serve him. I tell him what is right and what is wrong. I am by far the more practical of the two ... and it pisses me off. I want someone I can play with, have fun with - trust - who won’t make me feel like a used piece of meat. I feel like crap. I’m sad. I feel ugly, in every sense. I feel unwanted. Which is dangerous, because when I find someone who DOES want me - I’ll end up being very submissive - I hate to be submissive.

Well - he's off again - gone to PA, Pittsburgh

Bored out of my mind ... Matt is over - sleeping in my bed - per ALWAYS ... sleep sleep sleep

Kinda want a girlfriend again - been flirting with DaShelle (and she flirts back), but nothing is going to come of that because we are just silly friends ... who are just playful

But I need someone playful ... BORED OUTTA MY MIND

DUDE - HOW DID THEY KNOW!!!

Your Sexual Profile (you sexual deviant you...) by sparkledee
Name
Your Secret Kink Thing	You swing both ways. Often.
Your Sexual Strength	Amazing fingers...oh YES!
Your Sexual Weakness	Quick to draw, fast to finish
Your Likely STD	You're clean! Hurray for you!
How Many Partners in Crime?	9
Created with quill18's MemeGen 2.0!

Year of the monkey. Let me say it again ... year of the monkey. What comes to mind first for you? What do you foresee?

Already, I know what I don't *want* to happen, and yet I know *will* happen. And believe me, I COULD be more vague (heh heh heh) ... but then there is always that question, 'if I say something will happen, then by saying does it then not happen?' Or by not saying something will happen, and then it does happen, and I knew it all along, will anyone believe me? Do I care if anyone believes me? Kind of ...

People are insaine. While I am one of them, I hope it's just not in a bad way ...

Matt is demanding of my attention. And maybe I have not been as attentive as usual, but I have been working hard at school! I will,without hesitation say that school is much moreimportant. And I don't know that I can abandon that feeling (way of thinking) at this moment. I have so much to do, and I need to get it done without distractions OR without feeling guilty for doing it in the first place. Grr.

Nearly finnished my Astronomy "Moon Phase Project" hope to get it done soon - study a bit - then start the next project ... Chemistry NEEDs to be done next, but I think I'll go for one of the other writing assignments first.

Hmm. Left-over pizza.

Ponder ... I *could* buy food for this month OR I could buy art, and help a "starving artist" type ... but then *I* would be the starving artist.

OR

I could get sharp pointy things ... heh heh heh

OR

I could be a good girl, and NOT buy anything other than what I *need* rather than *want* and try to forget that such places as e-bay, overstock.com, or amazon.com exist ... *ignores that they exist*

BUT THE PRICE IS SUCH A GOOD DEAL!!!

No! Bad me. Don't buy ... don't you do it! Put that debit card away >.

"Zombies may eat brains, but we cannot swallow this unjustice"

So yeah.

Friends of the family Neco and Kathryn - whoes wedding we attended a few years back - have had a great sadness strike them. Kathryn, who was only 37 has died. Leaving behind her husband, and two children, a 3-year old and a 1 1/2-year old. The couple had been living in France for the past few years, away from family and friends, but now that this has happened, Neco and children have come back and there is a big family gathering, even though it's only for a few days. It is very sad. More than I want to address right now.

Have a happy holiday everyone.